Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
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I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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