His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
