you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
