Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
