If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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