I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
