id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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