I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
