it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
