im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
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i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?