he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"