The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
