moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
