Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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