You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
