There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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