I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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