my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
