My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
