My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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