Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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