Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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