I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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