this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
