Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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