Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
