She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
