final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
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The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
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They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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