when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
