Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
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I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
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Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?