I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?