i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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