Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
should my penis look like a turkey
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
