You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
