I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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