I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
