we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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