i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
