I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
