I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
