can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
