We're like a lot better than the average bears
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
