If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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