his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
