i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
