Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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