can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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