Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
