I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
