maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
