So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
