you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
