He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
