I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
