Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
