If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
