I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
