found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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